Withdrawal symptoms

My entire body is shaking, I cannot keep warm and the nausea is twisting my stomach. I long for the drug that I did not know I needed to keep me happy, to keep me alive. Now that it has been taken away from me, now that I have to stop myself from indulging in my cravings; my entire being aches for the substance it has been accustomed to. My mind cannot focus, plagued by the same thoughts looping endlessly in my head, never leaving me any respite.

No more messages in the morning to sweeten the early hours of the day, no more warm embrace that makes me forget my worries in an instant, no more tender goodbye kisses. Just an empty feeling accompanies me throughout my days, reminding me of what I have lost. I use the little will I have left to fight off the urges to come back to you, to beg for your love. I might give in, you made me lower guard and now I am addicted to those feelings that slowly crept up on me. The pain from the withdrawal symptoms make me cry out at night and the only thing that ease it is your warm touch. To soothe the loneliness, I trace in my head the contour of your sleeping face, making me smile for a fleeting moment.

I miss you, but I also know I miss what could have been, the future I had envisioned, not reality. Hope is like opium, it numbs your senses but keeps you coming back for more. I am still hoping, still waiting for something to change, waiting for you to give me a reason to change my mind.

Relapsed but healing

After a quiet month, after a short walk along a tranquil  path. The loneliness catches up to you, those repressed wild emotions start to bubble up and your emotional state becomes chaotic. All those memories you locked up, haunt you during your waking hours.

You relapsed but it is okay, you are healing. Those feelings will be history, those memories will slowly fade away to be replaced by new ones. Everything will fall into place eventually, time heals all wounds. Trust me, I know.

I want to move on

My mind was floating around, nothing catching my focus, my mind only registering fuzzy moments when the lights flashed and illuminated the faces surrounding me. I saw how he ostensibly moved towards me while gently smiling at me, his eyes searching for my gaze.

This evening with you had started the same way and I could feel my heart fluttering in my chest. My hand was resting on your shoulder and your hand moved towards the nape of my neck while we locked eyes. The intensity of this moment was palpable. All the people surrounding us vanished and I could only feel your breathing accelerating and our bodies touching.

He tilted his head to the side and kissed me. It was gentle, it was sweet but my mind was lost somewhere else. We parted this night with a smile but as soon as he was out of sight, I started singing this song to myself in this empty street only dimly lit by some shoddy lampposts. I felt how the first tear made its way down my cheek quickly followed by the next one.

You accompanied me back home while we nonchalantly held hands and laughed the night away. You kissed me goodbye and would not let go.

I am ready to move on, he is waiting for me. I never liked watching movies where the protagonist cries drunk, sitting on the pavement, holding in one hand a bottle of wine, lamenting an impossible love. How cliché!

Just Let Me Rest

Let me breathe, just let me rest                                                                                                      My mind is tormented by destructive thoughts and in a constant state of unrest              Let me see the sun shine through the opaque front of clouds                                                     I feel so lonely, yet I am surrounded by the noise of a buzzing lively crowd

Let me truly feel alive, let me wipe away the tears from my eyes                                       Halt the pain, the sorrow and the constant lingering anxiety                                                 Let me be able to function in a state of complete sobriety                                                           I want to close my eyes, float away to better skies

Let me hide and cower for a little to lick my wounds                                                                   I cannot bear any more blows dealt by fate, please no more pain                                               Let me be held in a warm embrace, feeling protected from the impending doom                 Just give me a break, a little time off to find myself again

I swear I did not think I could feel this way

I never thought I could feel that way ever, I thought I was a lost cause. Never thought such strong feelings where possible. Never thought that one day I would sing along to love songs under the hot running water. Always been stoic in life, reason would keep emotions in bound, vigilant to not let my heart stray and unable to feel anything beyond friendship.

Never expected to be a bit disappointed when I saw some pictures of you and an anonymous girl smiling happily in a warm embrace.  Never expected my heart would do a somersault in my chest when I heard that you had left the girl I had seen standing beside you in your pictures. Never thought that my heart would melt when you decided to sit next to me and hug me goodbye.

Yes, I cannot lie, I would be sad if the feelings are not reciprocated, I would curse my luck and wonder if I will ever find the right person.

But right now I am just happy, happy that I feel the ice around my cold heart melting from the heat of those new feelings. I gleefully let my feelings take the rains for once in my life. Happy that I am able to feel that way and I savour each second of my heart beating faster every time you look at me with your tender blue eyes and talk to me.

I will probably end up with my hopes not being fulfilled but I am just glad that I am able to dream again, able to feel again and able to desire another person. That is enough for me, I think I finally exited that dark tunnel that held me captive for so long.

Limitations

This is an old soul in a young body, a soul that has seen the world in its brightest and darkest moments but a body not yet marked by the passing of time. The silhouette gracefully swirls around and draws elegant figures in the air. The mind though, fixed in its rigidity, does not notice the shimmering dust flying around the human shell, too occupied by older thoughts and memories, forgetting that the present once mattered.

This is a youthful soul in an aging shell that is slowly eroded by time; all senses perk up at the sound of a new idea. Every experience is registered with fresh excitement, all information is sucked out of its surrounding to form a mesh of intricate colour weavings decorating the walls of the mind. The body however painstakingly attempts to follow the jolly somersaults of the mind, each limb trembling under the effort, the heartbeat rapidly increasing nearing the unbearable.

Chaos and Re-birth

The world used to be black and white, divided between nice and evil, everything was clear cut, there was no room for debate.

But one day that filtered glass shattered and every object lost its edge, shapes became blurry, no unsullied spot of white colour was left and the deep blacks slowly turned grey. Feelings meshed into each other and formed some new, inconceivable states of being. Lost in those complicated mazes, the mind wanders trying to understand itself and trying to make sense of the world surrounding it. The beforehand squared shaped boxes that filled its sorting system, were now constantly changing shape, evolving into something new. Some were slowly starting to dissolve, spilling their content onto the dusty floor, cluttering the alleys of thought.

A new form of chaos emerged; a new phase of consciousness was born.

The world changes, you just don’t

Your friend posts a new picture on her social media account: happy and relaxed she smiles at the camera with a lush rainforest complementing the paradisiac picture. The white flickering light of your screen reveals the sad smile that floats on your face. Your mind is already somewhere else, dreaming and flying out to explore the numerous worlds that you want to live in. Ideas illuminate the bland world around you, hopes and expectations mould the perfect reality overflowing with new sensations.

A world full of opportunities opens in front of you, but the same chains yank you back down to the sad reality of a dark room with the small computer screen keeping you company. The old cowardice forces you back into the same protective foetal position, scared of the next catastrophe that will wound you. You reason with yourself to diminish the pain from the shards of shattered dreams that have cut deeply into you. Nothing fits because you do not want anything to fit, the adventure is over.

Mind Wall

I stare at the brick wall

My insurmountable fears form the mortar
The ‘What If’s, the bricks
This construction keeping me away form expressing my true feelings
Securing the border

What is on the other side?
Happiness or my demise

Like giants, my insecurities rise and point there lances at my heart
My courage I had gathered, falls apart
Crumbles to my feet, my love starts to sob in despair
My inner defences will never permit me to crawl out of my lair

 

 

Spider web

Trapped in this wide spider web
My limbs stick to the intricate geometrical structure
I helplessly wriggle around but it will not rupture
It is like a quicksand, the more I move the less chance I have to escape.

I have woven this net!
And now I am caught in it like a mere insect.
Soon the spider will come to devour its prey,
I can only helplessly watch everything unfold, my heart filled with dismay

Day after Day the silk trap grew larger,
To escape it unharmed became harder.
I did not realise, I thought they were benign
But in the end, they precipitated my decline

“Oh what a tangle web we weave, when at first we start to deceive”

Sir Walter Scott, Marmion