Mind Wall

I stare at the brick wall

My insurmountable fears form the mortar
The ‘What If’s, the bricks
This construction keeping me away form expressing my true feelings
Securing the border

What is on the other side?
Happiness or my demise

Like giants, my insecurities rise and point there lances at my heart
My courage I had gathered, falls apart
Crumbles to my feet, my love starts to sob in despair
My inner defences will never permit me to crawl out of my lair

 

 

Spider web

Trapped in this wide spider web
My limbs stick to the intricate geometrical structure
I helplessly wriggle around but it will not rupture
It is like a quicksand, the more I move the less chance I have to escape.

I have woven this net!
And now I am caught in it like a mere insect.
Soon the spider will come to devour its prey,
I can only helplessly watch everything unfold, my heart filled with dismay

Day after Day the silk trap grew larger,
To escape it unharmed became harder.
I did not realise, I thought they were benign
But in the end, they precipitated my decline

“Oh what a tangle web we weave, when at first we start to deceive”

Sir Walter Scott, Marmion

Watching you from the Side-lines

will stand by the side-lines, watching you smile
Love makes my heart skip a beat
Oh it makes me want to feel your heat
Very deep inside the flame is burning but I’ve go to hide
Every day my feelings for you lead me astray
You will never know how much my heart aches for you
Over and over I whisper those words that I will never say
Under my blankets every dream can come true

I will take this secret with me to the grave

 

 

Lost Friend

Only a distant memory, maybe a smile, a laugh
What am I to you now?
Just a faint shadow?
My heart aches, I miss your voice

I am a ghost in your past
I knew it could not last
But here I am alone, waiting for a sign
The clock is ticking, signalling the passing of our time

We have shared so many things
You gave me a reason to continue, to live on
I felt like nothing could destroy this bond
Now I can only cry over the memories that are slowly fading

 

 

 

 

 

The Rewind Button

Hey here do you see it? No, look closer! Over there! Are you blind?

No I can see it, I punch it with desperation. My hands start to bleed and tears start to stream down my cheeks.

Rewind

Rewind

Rewind

Rewind!

My mind shouts in my ears to rewind and I frantically push the button to erase the past. I wish to come back to this easier time, what folly caught me? I should be happy, relieved … but I only feel fear. Why I am still scared, what am I scared from?  Did I do the right thing?

So many questions plague me and deep down I also know the answers will hurt. I am not prepared and I should have realised that. I just wish to rewind, think things through.

I want to control everything! 

I want to rewind life!

But the truth is: LIFE HAS NO REWIND BUTTON

The Place I Call Home

I am missing a place I could come back to that I could call “My home”. I wish that my childhood memories could be bound to a place that I could go back to without strong feelings of resentment, anger and pain.

But there is no time to chase pipe dreams, my home is wherever I decide it to be! I build up colourful walls around me out of happy memories, sleep floating in the soft smiles of my family and decorate my walls with all the new exciting experiences I have gathered in the new place. I reinvent my life, exchange my worn-out mask with a newly designed one shaped by my encounters. Using a different palette of colours of emotions, I try to paint an abstract motif on it that will be the new personality I will adopt in this new foreign place.

My internal clock whispers to me that it is soon time to move again: time to change scenery, time to leave the people that have accompanied me on this section of my life behind. Every minute the feeling grows stronger, the urge to change place obsesses me. From time to timw when I remember a happy moment spent with friends, a bittersweet feeling of melancholy tightens its grip on my heart but nothing can make my determination falter.

Moving is intoxicating, it is my one and only addiction!

Failing

Embarqued on a frail boat
Blown around by the eternal tempest
Tired of fighting to stay afloat
When will I be able to rest?

I have been deceived and hurt
Even dragged through the dirt
But never have I felt so weak
The day where I deceived

Not reaching your goal
Is like being stabbed by a blade
That will leave a bleeding hole
And a scar that will never fade

Why did I fail?
My mind goes numb, leaving behind an empty shell
I curl up, hiding myself
But the solitude further accentuates the pain

I know my cries ressemble thousands of others
I should wake up and walk away
I feel trapped in this never-ending nightmare
Today I will have to again smile and never share my bothers

Explore

It is time to figure things out, explore the world. I do not want to sit behind my window anymore and observe the word through the cold glass. I want to feel the air brush my face and the warmth of the sun to make my frozen blood melt.

I open the window and imagine the jumping into the unknown. I want to feel the soft humid grass tickle my feet, I want to run away in the forest, climb on trees and live like a free human. Or maybe I can lose myself in the infinite labyrinth of streets smelling the food cooked in the restaurants. In the evening I could gaze at the stars or maybe dance under the flashing neon.

All those thoughts convince me to jump but instead of the soft green grass, I land of hard asphalt. My back hurts and tears blur my vision. My exploration will not stop here! I painfully stand up on my trembling legs and slowly advance. The forest! I imagine those century old trees spreading their green leaves over me to screen me from te bright sun. I slowly open my eyes and what I see stuns me, the steaming city is eating the forest away. The grey fog masks the sun and the few visible trees rot the leaf at their feet. That mysterious wonderful land promised is just ruins and sadness.

As the forest no longer exit, I walk towards grey buildings. Maybe the people are the ones that bring colour to this world?

What I see is all bland, people trying to resemble their neighbour. The hypocrisy of the human population trickles down the buildings like thick asphalt and the thin particles of lies enter my lungs, asphyxiating me. I did not find the pallet of colours I had searched for, I preferred the land I had imagined behind my window.

I know the truth

I know the truth and it hurts
I cannot speak out or one will be cursed
I am scared by the role I play
Scared by the consequences my actions may entail

I know the true face behind the mask
But as long as she keeps the secret, I cannot uncover the dirt
I’ll have to leave her in the dark,
And I will suffer in silence, hurt

I long for the old times,
Where no clouds obscured the sky
Where nobody had to hide behind rimes
But no, now the time has come to lie

Music is my Everything

When I work, I listen to music, before I sleep I listen to music, when I get out of the tram I listen to music. I guess I am no different from all those passers-by you see oblivious to the world that surrounds them, blankly looking at their feet or gazing at their surroundings without ever meeting a human eye. Well yes, I must admit: that is me. I just sink into my music and the flow of notes washes over my brain. It is like a barrier between me and reality, the different sonorities transform a street into an epic battlefield.

But music still has this magical power to make me pass through emotions, I can cry, laugh or just make me feel energetic if I choose the right song. And that is for me the real power of music, messages are conveyed through the notes and lyrics! I listen to everything that falls into my hands, my Youtube playlist regroups almost every genre you can imagine. I just like the diversity in sounds present on this planet. There is only one thing that from time to time makes me sad: when I hear almost the same lyrics/ melodies over and over again or those heavily auto tuned voices. They are so bland, so commercial. I know music is a very lucrative business, you have to please the masses.

This still does not stop me from discovering new artists everyday, who knows maybe one day I will start to compose my own music again. My keyboards still waits for somebody to let their emotions to be transformed into wonderful tunes.