You see it in the distance over there? Yes, it is quite obvious is it not? There, the manhole in the middle of the street does not have a cover. Now that you have seen it, you will avoid it right? You do not want to fall in one again and die this time, right?
Your friend posts a new picture on her social media account: happy and relaxed she smiles at the camera with a lush rainforest complementing the paradisiac picture. The white flickering light of your screen reveals the sad smile that floats on your face. Your mind is already somewhere else, dreaming and flying out to explore the numerous worlds that you want to live in. Ideas illuminate the bland world around you, hopes and expectations mould the perfect reality overflowing with new sensations.
A world full of opportunities opens in front of you but the same chains yank you back down to the sad reality of a dark room with the small computer screen keeping you company. The old cowardice forces you back into the same protective foetal position, scared of the next catastrophe that will wound you. You reason with yourselves to diminish the pain from the shards of shattered dreams that have cut deeply into you. Nothing fits because you do not want anything to fit, the adventure is over.
I stare at the brick wall
My insurmountable fears form the mortar
The ‘What If’s, the bricks
This construction keeping me away form expressing my true feelings
Securing the border
What is on the other side?
Happiness or my demise
Like giants, my insecurities rise and point there lances at my heart
My courage I had gathered, falls apart
Crumbles to my feet, my love starts to sob in despair
My inner defences will never permit me to crawl out of my lair
Trapped in this wide spider web
My limbs stick to the intricate geometrical structure
I helplessly wriggle around but it will not rupture
It is like a quicksand, the more I move the less chance I have to escape.
I have woven this net!
And now I am caught in it like a mere insect.
Soon the spider will come to devour its prey,
I can only helplessly watch everything unfold, my heart filled with dismay
Day after Day the silk trap grew larger,
To escape it unharmed became harder.
I did not realise, I thought they were benign
But in the end, they precipitated my decline
“Oh what a tangle web we weave, when at first we start to deceive”
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion
I will stand by the side-lines, watching you smile
Love makes my heart skip a beat
Oh it makes me want to feel your heat
Very deep inside the flame is burning but I’ve go to hide
Every day my feelings for you lead me astray
You will never know how much my heart aches for you
Over and over I whisper those words that I will never say
Under my blankets every dream can come true
I will take this secret with me to the grave
Only a distant memory, maybe a smile, a laugh
What am I to you now?
Just a faint shadow?
My heart aches, I miss your voice
I am a ghost in your past
I knew it could not last
But here I am alone, waiting for a sign
The clock is ticking, signalling the passing of our time
We have shared so many things
You gave me a reason to continue, to live on
I felt like nothing could destroy this bond
Now I can only cry over the memories that are slowly fading
Hey here do you see it? No, look closer! Over there! Are you blind?
No I can see it, I punch it with desperation. My hands start to bleed and tears start to stream down my cheeks.
My mind shouts in my ears to rewind and I frantically push the button to erase the past. I wish to come back to this easier time, what folly caught me? I should be happy, relieved … but I only feel fear. Why I am still scared, what am I scared from? Did I do the right thing?
So many questions plague me and deep down I also know the answers will hurt. I am not prepared and I should have realised that. I just wish to rewind, think things through.
I want to control everything!
I want to rewind life!
But the truth is: LIFE HAS NO REWIND BUTTON
I am missing a place I could come back to that I could call “My home”. I wish that my childhood memories could be bound to a place that I could go back to without strong feelings of resentment, anger and pain.
But there is no time to chase pipe dreams, my home is wherever I decide it to be! I build up colourful walls around me out of happy memories, sleep floating in the soft smiles of my family and decorate my walls with all the new exciting experiences I have gathered in the new place. I reinvent my life, exchange my worn-out mask with a newly designed one shaped by my encounters. Using a different palette of colours of emotions, I try to paint an abstract motif on it that will be the new personality I will adopt in this new foreign place.
My internal clock whispers to me that it is soon time to move again: time to change scenery, time to leave the people that have accompanied me on this section of my life behind. Every minute the feeling grows stronger, the urge to change place obsesses me. From time to timw when I remember a happy moment spent with friends, a bittersweet feeling of melancholy tightens its grip on my heart but nothing can make my determination falter.
Moving is intoxicating, it is my one and only addiction!
Embarqued on a frail boat
Blown around by the eternal tempest
Tired of fighting to stay afloat
When will I be able to rest?
I have been deceived and hurt
Even dragged through the dirt
But never have I felt so weak
The day where I deceived
Not reaching your goal
Is like being stabbed by a blade
That will leave a bleeding hole
And a scar that will never fade
Why did I fail?
My mind goes numb, leaving behind an empty shell
I curl up, hiding myself
But the solitude further accentuates the pain
I know my cries ressemble thousands of others
I should wake up and walk away
I feel trapped in this never-ending nightmare
Today I will have to again smile and never share my bothers
It is time to figure things out, explore the world. I do not want to sit behind my window anymore and observe the word through the cold glass. I want to feel the air brush my face and the warmth of the sun to make my frozen blood melt.
I open the window and imagine the jumping into the unknown. I want to feel the soft humid grass tickle my feet, I want to run away in the forest, climb on trees and live like a free human. Or maybe I can lose myself in the infinite labyrinth of streets smelling the food cooked in the restaurants. In the evening I could gaze at the stars or maybe dance under the flashing neon.
All those thoughts convince me to jump but instead of the soft green grass, I land of hard asphalt. My back hurts and tears blur my vision. My exploration will not stop here! I painfully stand up on my trembling legs and slowly advance. The forest! I imagine those century old trees spreading their green leaves over me to screen me from te bright sun. I slowly open my eyes and what I see stuns me, the steaming city is eating the forest away. The grey fog masks the sun and the few visible trees rot the leaf at their feet. That mysterious wonderful land promised is just ruins and sadness.
As the forest no longer exit, I walk towards grey buildings. Maybe the people are the ones that bring colour to this world?
What I see is all bland, people trying to resemble their neighbour. The hypocrisy of the human population trickles down the buildings like thick asphalt and the thin particles of lies enter my lungs, asphyxiating me. I did not find the pallet of colours I had searched for, I preferred the land I had imagined behind my window.